Jamming right now. So hard.

Time to sit back and groooooove baby.

Notes to the week

Dear Justice,

Your storefront is giving people seizures.  I'm over your lifestyle.  Every nightmare that I ever had in middle school is rooted in your pop-tastic threads and neons.  Never you mind.

Dear Kickball Teammate,

Last night you invited everyone to come out to the 'Ladies' Night' at your new spa...the spa that you and your husband just bought.  Right. Further news?  I made rent this month.  MAZEL.

Dear Twenty-somethings,

Your Quarter Life crisis, perfected.  Please click here and know that you are eerily understood [courtesy of Buzzfeed].  Now shut up and go do something.

Dear Gay Marriage shit going on in the Supreme Court,

There are far too many people on my Twitter feed quoting decisions, and having opinions, and using atrocious grammar. 

So...what. Congrats, gays, on now getting Social Security benefits that won't even be around by then?

I propose a marriage gauntlet for happily engaged couples.  It'll be like Survivor and The Amazing Race - you can't figure out how to ride a camel across the Amazon with your future spouse, then you don't deserve to share a last name.  Case closed.

 Dear Everyone,

Have I told you about Henry Cavill?  Of course I have.  I'm just reminding you....hayhayhayyy.

 

...fantastic.

 

But, are they really unintentional? Tuesday ...for the win.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Absolutely incredible.

Unintentionally Sexual Sports Pics

I'm just wondering who's been stalking the Google for these.

My personal favorite...

Skeet, skeet - git it, git it.

Bitches love Teddy Grahams.

OM NOM NOM.  The granimal-animal.  If you haven't indulged lately, then definitely hit these up.

My co-worker Joe has been on the TG kick this morning.  And I don't hate it.  Joe says: Give that bitch a Teddy Graham.  Bitches love Teddy Grahams.

He's right.  Today, Joe wins.

Get ready for the most awkward 'happy-birthday-to-myself' post ever.

I can't even deal.

Tranlsation:  "I sleep in my mom's nightgown and I just jizzed in my pants. Who's coming over to play ring toss tonight???"

Letters to Wednesday.

[iwastesomuchtime.com]

Today's letters are actually someecards. May you laugh so hard that you cry...or shart:

I noticed.

Perfection.

Aren't we all?

HAHA. Sometimes.

Hot tub cinemas...and other things that 'seemed like a good idea at the time'

This hot tub cinema thing. It vexes me.

We went to see Super-Man: Man of Steel on Sunday as a family.  Family...read: my parents, brother, sister, grandmother, grandmother's ailing friend.  Okay.  So we went to the renovated theater that's jacked up with freaking recliner seats.  Even the carpet still smells new!  It's fantastic.  And I got to put my feet up without cramping (har. har.)

Now imagine 7 grown adults of that ...diversity...piled into a hot tub. Together.

Right? Totally West Virginia. Makes you shift uncomfortably in your chair.

And you've seen the new Super-Man actor guy?  Maiiii gawwwwd.

It was hard enough trying not to dry hump the armrest.  Case in point.  Hot tub cinema = never.

Hairy-leg anti-pervert stockings for women? Also = NEVER. Nope. Misery. I'll take the pervert.

This is completely relative, thank you BuzzFeed.

These are totally phallic, thank you again, BuzzFeed.

Dear Monday, please make me a deaf mute

[MissUSA.com - profile]

Do you remember when Britney Spears said she got to "go to a lot of overseas places like Canada"?  Right. Well, ladies and gentlemen.  Last night Miss Utah upped the ante and proposed that we 'create education better', for the win:

“I think, especially the men are … um … seen as the leaders of this, and so we need to see how to … create education better. ...Thank you.”

Read more / view the desecration on youtube

Seems like both Mr. President and Mrs. First Lady have their hands full with this one.

Oh.  And wtf.  I'm not sure who Billy Horschel is, but I really want him to remove his pants. Haha. Aces.

To wear, or not to wear?  I had the same internal struggle with my Ho-Ho Halloween costume.  And I'm sure that everyone was hoping that I'd remove it, too.  It's called 'playing for keeps.'

Bets on which announcer will fumble "tentacles" for "testicles".  That shit will be viral.

...well-played, Ralph Lauren.

Getting the 'i'm late' text...

I like Father's Day.  Mostly because I love my father.

But also because I get to mess with my exes.

I think this should do:  "Hey big daddy...I know it's been a while since we've talked but figured you deserved to know...Happy Father's Day!"

**anonymous text messages can also be sent from Verizon.com...consider your afternoon booked with entertainment**

"That's why her weave so big" - Thursday's in your face "Mean Girls" mock out. OMG.

I can't get enough of this.

Everything that you love about Mean Girls, you can love so hard - hoodrat style.

[props to BuzzFeed]

Top Tuesday off with a new read

Greatist.com...For foodies, fitness junkies, and inspirational mongers...seemed kinda cool.

So yeah.  Greatist.com - check it out.

My favorite part is the drop down menu that reads "Health" has a tab for "Alcohol".  Right??  Who's driving this thing?

Kotex is the new Hallmark ...xo

[via iwastesomuchtime.com]

Hahahaha.  I love games. Let's ad lib the fine print:

Live Fearlessly? Because today - you're not pregnant!  Go drink, smoke, and ride roller coasters!

Walk like a champion?  Why.

Be unstoppable?  *what did the one tampon say to the other*

Tampon Slogan Writer loves their job right now.  So hard.  You know that it's some marketing intern, crying in the corner of their cube - how is that newly-framed MBA doing?  Somehow, Corporate seems to have missed the mark on perceived value and differentiation.

There can't be anything creepier than reading words of encouragement as your innards tear.  If I'm a hot mess, that's the last thing I want to read.  Why can't Kotex come with a fkn paint ball gun?

I'm writing in a few winners:

Take it deep.

Rub one out.

No strings attached. (just kidding!!)

Next thing should be Bro Code Bar Code on the box for when they pick up our necessities: "Did you remember the ice cream and rom-coms?" and "We know she's beautiful, but don't tell her that today...she knows you're lying."

Thanks for the referral?

When you're twenty-something, living in an apartment (or your parent's house...), your network thinks it's doing you a huge favor when they refer you to someone for dog-sitting.

No no no...animals are not like children.  Pets don't wear diapers and don't like to watch cartoons.  I love kids, and I don't like to treat animals like kids.

My roommate has two cats that I tolerate.  She loves them, they make her happy.  But they also prance around their Feces Bin and then climb up onto the countertop where we eat.  They shed - relentlessly.  Ugh.

So I'll house/dog-sit sometimes, and it's not terrible.  One yellow lab, Jazz, is pretty low key and the house is in perfect location for my daily roadtripping of gym-work-Wegmans.  Jazz eats twice a day, gets walked, and sleeps.  Jazz does not eat people food, get dressed up, or have human problems that require prescription drugs (like depression or migraines.).  Those would be pet peeves.

But the other day I got this call.  The woman was so excited about asking me to watch her two Bichons that are 'so sweet' and 'so easy' and oh btw 'so-and-so referred me to you' .  When I gave her my rates, there were dollar signs and drooling at the other end of the line.  Of course they sound reasonable.  I'm easy.  Oh, and because your one critter has diabetes and requires insulin shots.  Yes.  Now your surprise makes sense.

Sometimes your roommate's new gentleman caller stops over...with his 3-year-old son.

Thursdays are my long days.  It's a 16hr round-trip from the moment I leave my apartment to when I roll back up the driveway and start hooking for the night - girl's gotta pay rent somehow!

This Thursday was pretty standard - it was rainy and more people reminded me of that on Facebook than I could handle.  But if it's not posted then I guess it doesn't happen, right?

I digress.

My roommate has been hanging with her new gentleman caller since Tuesday, so Thursday was the third consecutive 'hang out'.  I pulled into the driveway around 8:38pm and his car was already there...

No matter.  However. I was strangely surprised to hear childish shreaks and mini velcro sneakers at the top of the stairs.  Yes - the young man had a young man of his own.  HAHA, wtf.  That's an actual Shocker.

#boom

This infograph just seals the deal. Hard.

This took a few minutes to sink in (and by 'few minutes' I definitely mean 12 minutes of sit and stare).  The years between 18 and 26 seem critical; so then what?  Fast forward to corpse?  Wtf.

The analysis...

18 - getting busy
21 - getting dizzy
26 - hopefully you've sucked enough d*cks (and have chosen the perfect fit).

Notice the legend that's below the timeline.  It allows some slack of (+/- 10 years), but this leeway is a little perplexing.  Puts the range at a maximum: 36-year-old...minimum: 8-year-old....  Which means either a lot of Lisa Frank stickers and LipSmackers or a high class hooker in OPI, dripping in Tiffany's.  Now, we've all toed the line but 8 years old may be just shy of some severe lawsuits.

It's the difference of Lindsay Lohan, now & then:

But aren't we all just a candle in the wind?  Get it while ya got it.  Hit it, EJ.

Elite Daily just summed up your life

ELITE DAILY.  This read is excellent - the entire blog is very real.  I'm not partial to every stance, but maybe that's why I like it.

Ooooohhhh and there you have it.  Intellect and rant are NOT the same.  It's tough to find good reads these days.

Read here:  ELITE DAILY

It just blew your mind.

Letters to Society xoxo

Dear Michael Douglas,

I'm just gonna throw it out there: were you really licking that much p*$&y?  Let's be honest...I've seen "Hall Pass" and I'm calling your bluff...(youtube)

Dear Parochial Schools,

In the midst of this Church-and-State chaos, the gay rights battlefield, and Tom Cruise, you've managed to stay true to our school-uniformed youth. I applaud you.  But never you mind on the sex education.  Quick fact check (aka Google.) ...nowhere does the Bible state that 'spanking the monkey' is a mortal sin.  Wouldn't Tim Tebow be spewing splooge from his ears by now if that were the case?

Dear Rebel Wilson,

Bitch, you cray!  Right on. (youtube)

**Ever had that moment of sinking fear when you know you've left your phone unlocked and unsecured? As it stands, I may have out-Googled myself. My phone will need to be destroyed n the event of unexpected fatalities.  PIC, you know what to do.